Rant of the Week:
Indulge Me
New Peripheral To Send Sad Geek Factor Through Roof
Will immediately propel users into "geek stratosphere"
In what is sure to trigger outbursts of sarcastic laughter throughout the industry, a new "gamewear piece" designed by Temple Games is meant to protect the wrist against bruising while playing computer games.
The ergonomically designed Game Armor is apparently also designed to make it harder for users to get dates due to the immediate, dramatic increase in their GQ (Geek Quotient).
Yale professor of gamer psychology Marty Dorkman offered this opinion: "Get the fuck outta my office."
Firsthand geek reports seem to lend credence to this theory. "Game Armor rocks!" screamed Paul Larkin of Providence, RI. "My wrist and forearm have been getting thrashed playing Quake. I used to have a long bruise across my forearm that was extremely uncomfortable while playing and working. Now I can play longer and harder strapped with Game Armor."
How the alleged bruises are inflicted while playing computer games, a pursuit not usually associated with physical injury, have not yet been determined. Unnamed sources indicate that the bruises are actually caused by "vigourous masturbation."
Jurassic Gaming - Crichton Enters Gaming Biz
Michael Crichton, the force behind bestsellers like Jurassic Park and Congo and the creator of ER, is jumping into the PC game industry with a new company called Timeline Studios. Not exactly a stranger, Crichton made the game Amazon in 1982.
"I haven't played any games since '82, but how much could they have changed?" pondered Chrichton, "I loved the elegant graphics in which a short stick figure represented a human. I think that sort of simplicity is the future of gaming."
While Crichton won't divulge details of games in development, it is rumored that he is working on a game called Surgeon in which it is necessary to remove body parts from a patient without touching the edges of his wounds. The use of vector graphics could not be verified at press time.
Last updated on April 24 1999
Rant of the Week:
"We'd like the dress better if she weren't wearing it".
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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the `voodoo dick.`" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The
businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks
like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied,
"But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to
a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo
dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and screwing
the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a
crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the
old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The
voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there,
quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the
businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had
to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his
trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,
but then remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said,
"Voodoo dick, my pussy!"
The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had been drinking. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said,
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"